I’m a little worried about my tongue right now. I was cleaning the turtle tank and I had a brand new bottle of ‘Poo be Gone’ (it’s actually called Sludge Destroyer) and could not get off the little foil cover over the top because I keep my nails short. I’m too reckless for pretty nails. Anyhow, I could HEAR my mother: “DON’T USE YOUR TEETH TO OPEN THINGS.”
Her voice was super loud even though she’s dead.
So I actually looked over my shoulder to make sure she wasn’t there before I used my teeth.
To open a liquid product called SLUDGE DESTROYER.
In my defense I was trying to get a lot of things done in a short period of time and did not have time to walk the ten steps into the kitchen to get a pokey thing. I was just hoping to get a start on that little piece of foil with my teeth and then use my fingers for the rest. But the foil thing pulled off quite abruptly and then somehow (and I have tried to mimic this in my mind several times since and can not see how it could have happened) landed “wet side down” on my tongue.
I keep trying to tell myself that so far TurdZilla has managed to thrive in water containing a heck of a lot more sludge destroyer than what landed on my tongue. She has been with us almost seven years of her twenty to thirty year life expectancy and thus far has shown zero signs of an early death. No one likes her, by the way, except me. So it’s gonna be me and TurdZilla at the old folks home even though she is David’s turtle. Grant will be across the hall because I’m probably not going to live with him when we are in a nursing home. I’m thinking we will just steady date each other then, to add a little spice. Besides, I only promised forty years of actual marriage.
But I got a lot of that stuff on my tongue and it did NOT feel or taste good at all. My theory is that because I had just brushed my teeth there was no sludge on my tongue from a long night’s sleep for a good defense barrier to the ‘poo be gone’. I ended up spitting a bunch of times right into the newly cleaned turtle tank, mostly out of shock but also (once again) the kitchen sink was a whole ten steps away. And that made me feel bad for the turtle because that’s pretty rude, but more importantly, it’s been a whole day and the sludge destroyer spot on my tongue is slightly rougher than the rest of my tongue. And while this could be because I have been dragging my teeth across it since the incident, I’m still a little worried.
The lesson here is of course that land turtles are much easier to take care of than aquatic turtles.
P.S. My mom just told me to also tell you to not open things with your teeth. She too says you’re welcome.