You are a Complete Idiot and Need to Lighten the F*** Up


Yes. I am talking to YOU.

Do I have your attention? Good!

Have I offended you already? Fantastic!

Now, get your bunched up panties out of your butt crack and read my words because I am probably going to save the world with this blog post.

But first a word about my sponsor who doesn’t KNOW they are my sponsor so they are not PAYING me anything (yet). It’s also possible they might sue me. I’m not really sure. It could go either way.

Anyhoo, two days ago my second born son’s girlfriend Maggie tagged me via Facebook on a funny video commercial created by Organic Valley :

See? Your welcome Organic Valley people! You will now probably get two or three more clicks on your website. The commercial has gone viral on Facebook with over a million views. It sarcastically depicts what women really have time for in the morning which doesn’t include washing our hair and making our beds or doing yoga in our underwear but DOES include drinking an organic protein drink.

Now. The video was funny. (Seriously, check it out.) It made me giggle. I’m a mother of six with a full time career and have the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else, which sometimes doesn’t feel like enough. So yes, some days I’m a lazy hag, no wait, I mean “less than perfect” woman, especially in the morning when it’s GO TIME and I just don’t wanna ‘go’. And yeah. I swear. A lot. Even when I’m NOT in a bad mood or having a hard day. Swearing is fun.

But the humorous content of the commercial is not why I intend to buy ‘Organic Balance’ as soon as I get to the store. Nor does any alliance I may or may not have toward healthy living or eating organic foods have anything to do with my new found love for a drink that for all I know may not even taste good. (TBD) Because quite frankly I could (on any given day) be a spokesperson for consuming processed foods (I am a Cheez-It whore), eating once living creatures* for my own personal enjoyment/sustenance, drinking waaay too much wine and being a couch potato. It really depends on the day which way I’m gonna roll.   

The real reason I’m going to buy this drink is because the commercial created a WHOLE bunch of entertaining and thought provoking controversy on Facebook over something that was supposed to be FUNNY but instead, as is our AMERICAN way, allowed for a bunch of idiots to once again shine their anger on one more goddamn thing that just isn’t all that important. Which is spectacular to witness. And BRILLIANT marketing. And for freaks like me: FUN. And I feel it is my responsibility and duty to support anything that so brilliantly fuels my fun. (Anything that is legal of course.)

And there is only one thing funner** to me than reading comments from idiots who love having something to be angry about and a place to voice it and that’s being an idiot myself and succumbing  to the conversation. It turns out that several women took total offense to the commercial, saying it shined a negative light on women by focusing on their dirty hair and unmade beds…blah blah blah… instead of on all the positive things that women do. Now, what I wanted to write was “Oh for fuck’s sake ladies. Go spend your time getting a manicure or feeding a hungry person or ANYTHING more important than this conversation.” But I didn’t because 1) I would never write something that vulgar and judgmental and 2) clearly the conversation WAS somewhat important to me because I could NOT resist putting my two idiot cents in:

“People need to lighten up. That was funny!”

And this one simple comment put me in the mix of even more angry and frustrated comments, which to me was hilariously entertaining but also thought provoking.

See, here’s the thing. WE ARE SO BLESSED to be able to say whatever the hell we want in these United States of America. And LORD have mercy do we take advantage of this.

But the reality is all people are fucking idiots at some point and time in their lives (at least from someone else’s perspective), especially when we are championing or defending a cause that makes our pulse rates go up. It is one thing we ALL have in common. I’m willing to bet that even Mother Teresa*** probably acted like an idiot once or twice in her life.  And with the power of social media, we now have the opportunity to spread our idiocy to whoever wants to pay attention to whatever idiot thing we feel the need to say. And this is our RIGHT.

BUT when we lose the ability to make FUN of shit, mainly ourselves and whatever label we give ourselves or platform we place ourselves upon (there are just too many labels and platforms to list) we run the risk of going from idiot to asshole.

And THIS my good people is what hurts the world more than anything else.

The moment we lose our sense of humor and take our cause or belief so seriously that anything anyone says that is contrary to our own thinking offends us to the point that we turn a funny little protein shake commercial into a damn battle, we ourselves become part of the problem.

Now, there are a lot of very serious problems in this world that should be dealt with. But the reality is SOMETIMES the very act of discussing them makes the problem bigger and uglier

And at what point does freedom of speech not only overshadow the actual cause but outright harm it and the people who champion it?

This is a very subjective question.

It makes me think about the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty**** on the football field. Part of the hype and fun of football is the ramped up, testosterone loaded trash talk and posturing of some of the players. And this is accepted up to a certain point but yellow flagged by the referees when it goes beyond what is subjectively deemed reasonable. Players are often willing to suffer a fine or two and a bit of fan booing in order to “play their game” and be “who they are” as people and competitors. But when the line is crossed too many times it leads to consequences beyond smack talk and, like in some infamous moments, can spiral into mayhem that completely overshadows the actual game of FOOTBALL, along with the players who just want to play the game without a bunch of drama. See?

Screenshot 2016-04-16 at 8.37.23 PM

This is the signal for unsportsmanlike conduct found on the NFL Website below

Sometimes I wish we could create unsportsmanlike conduct penalties for our communication with each other.  But how do we do this without eroding our freedom of speech rights?  It’s too bad there isn’t some kind of internal mechanism within each of us that literally makes us unable to communicate with anyone in anyway for a period of time if we say or write too many idiot things that are harmful to the general well being of the world. A penalty box of sorts, for being an idiot. NO! A “Shut the Fuck Up Box”! Just THINK how quiet it would be until people figured it out. And no one would have to be in charge of the punishment because it would just be automatic, like a self imposed shock collar or a conscience on steroids, with a whip.  

And here are the three simple rules I wish we would all stick to for all forms of communication, but namely on social media, that if broken more than three times within any three day period would automatically get you three days in the “shut the fuck up box”:

  1. You do not need to publicly announce at every opportunity that you are ____________ (insert in the blank any label you have given for yourself or platform that you stand on). Most people are going to surmise the kind of person you are from your actions and more times than not, don’t really care that you are _______ unless you get in their face about it.  Just live your best life: dramatic declarations at every turn are not needed or necessary.
  2. Don’t make EVERYTHING an argument. Choose your battles carefully. Most of the world is not out to harm you (putting aside psychopathic killers and other such types) unless you bitch and complain and protest about EVERYTHING, in which case you are pretty much BEGGING for ridicule and are going to be spending a lot of time in the “STFU Box”. And when you do choose to argue, at least be relevant so that you aren’t FOREVER labeled as a hopeless idiot. For instance if a cute video of a sweet little boy holding his new baby brother has gone viral on Facebook, it more than likely has nothing to do with your platform of beliefs. It is more than likely just a cute video of two brothers that a lot of people thought was cute. So for fuck’s sake, don’t say something stupid like “This is a classic case of over population.” or “This is a clear case of child abandonment, they are both going to have issues.” Either push the “like” button or don’t and move the hell on!
  3. When you feel the need to say or write something publicly, count to at least three and ask yourself: “is what I am about to say kind, humble, funny, smart and/or important to someone else’s well being?” If it is not at LEAST one of these things, don’t say or write it. (Swearing is always optional because this is my blog post and MY rules of engagement.)

But all kidding aside, these are simple rules based on love, compassion, mutual respect, humble living and common courtesy.  Nothing new. But the fact is, we have been breaking these rules since day one of our existence. And there isn’t a STFU Penalty Box inside each of us (though I really, really wish I had one).  We only have our own moral compass (our conscience) that generally has good intentions but often lacks self discipline and common sense which can turn us all into idiots from time to time.

So when a funny commercial designed for the pure purpose of selling an organic protein shake turns into a woman’s rights discussion because one or two women think you SHOULD wash your hair every day and that using dry shampoo is a sign of laziness and should NOT be encouraged or laughed about, well, I’m gonna laugh about it, loud and clear for the world to hear.

Then I’m gonna go buy the goddamn protein shake.

And you should too.

So I don’t get sued.

Screenshot 2016-04-16 at 8.43.15 PM

This screen shot is from the Organic Valley web site. 

*I don’t eat people or pets you moron. Just chicken, fish, cows, pigs and once I ate snails.

**Funner is so TOO a word. Wiktionary SAYS so:

***I am probably going to hell for saying the word ‘fuck’ and Mother Teresa in the same paragraph but I was trying to prove a fucking point.  

****I find it amusing that the team I cheer for, the Steelers, received the highest number of unsportsmanlike conduct penalties in the league during the 2015 season. This clearly says how big of an idiot I am and I’m probably gonna have to turn the other cheek to quite a bit of idiot smack talk on this now that I have brought it up or I’m gonna have to go to the STFU Box.