It’s Not about the Size of Your Pants but How you Play the Game

It’s our anniversary and so we start the day with breakfast and mimosas to toast 25 years together.

Grant: Did you notice our waitress has bitchy resting face?

Me: Her lipstick is really bright so I was mostly just looking at that. Are you getting a bad vibe? I’m just worried she’s not gonna ever bring us another mimosa. One doesn’t seem like enough to celebrate such a long time. It feels like a miracle. Though my parents were married 26 years before they divorced so we should be careful about celebrating too loudly.

Grant: You have to take off their separation time. So really, we have already beat your mom and dad.

Me: Yes! We’re winning. I would toast to that but I’m empty.

Grant: Crap. I forgot to take a stomach pill.

Me: Let’s for sure buy some stomach pills. Otherwise we won’t be able to have snacks, lunch, more snacks and then dinner. With drinks in between all of that. Good stomach health is important today.

The waitress brings us our check. She does indeed have bitchy resting face. But I overhear her talking about her three little boys to another customer. So we tip her well even though she was slow to bring us our second mimosa. Little boys can cause bitchy resting face.

We stop at Walgreens for stomach pills. I get completely paralyzed in the mascara section. My GOD: do I need long, thick, plump, or voluminous lashes? Very black, kind of black, ebony, brown-black, or brown lashes?  I buy mascara MAYBE once a year and always find myself so torn. I find Grant in the aisle where they sell things like orthopedic socks and bedside toilets and we make a few discoveries. For $18.99 you can buy a fork, spoon and knife with a red handle that apparently helps increase eating for people with dementia. We giggle at something to help relieve strain in the scrotal area. It helps with fatigue “down there”. It’s important to stay in tune with the latest medical aids. Especially Grant who is in his 50’s now. I myself am only 49, so it will be a few years before I need scrotal aid.

In addition to stomach pills and mascara, I find a wooden G & H to decorate. Maybe for our 26th anniversary celebration. Go big or go home on this day I say.


Grant: Where to next wife?

Me: I could use some work pants. I don’t have a single pair of pants that I can button and I am tired of wearing moo-moos and cute boots. Cute boots are a lame attempt to try and mask the fact that I am wearing a moo-moo. Plus one of my boots has a hole in the heel and little rocks keep getting in there.  It’s rattly when I walk. Embarrassing.

Grant: So we should look for new cute boots?

Me: No. I can duct tape the hole. I need pants. Winta’s comin. It just seems so NON anniversaryish, buying pants.

We go to the mall with the intent of finding pants to fit my bigger than last year’s butt and a new Seahawks hat for Grant. While he stops at a sports store with hats in it I wander into the most expensive store in the mall just to touch a few things and try and get an idea of what today’s fashion is. A twelve year old sales girl swoops in on me and pretends to be my new best friend. “Whaty up to today?” I just don’t feel like explaining to her what I’m up to, mostly because I’m just not sure what I’m up to, so I put down the $200 pair of black pants I am looking at and mumble something about needing a snack before I find the perfect pants. The music was just too loud anyway.

I turn into the store next door for women who have “real butts and such” thinking maybe this will be my mecca land. But if feels fraudulent in there because all the pants are cleverly folded backwards to look like size two pants when they are really size twenty or more, like the pants should be ashamed for being a bigger size. I can not support hypocrisy.  Plus I’m mostly NOT a size twenty and I don’t want a repeat of six months ago when I went to the thrift store and bought a bunch of size twenty clothing, explaining to Grant that I was “planning ahead”. Hence the moo-moos. That I thought I could make cute with boots.

I walk out and see Grant sitting on a bench. No hat. So far shopping is a bust.

We walk further down the mall.

Me: Maybe I should buy a new bra. My favorite one is falling apart.

Grant: There’s Victoria’s Secret! We could go in there!

He is suddenly interested in shopping.

Me: No. I hate those people and always will. Ever since I wanted to buy a cute bra when I was gigantico prego with Daniel and asked if they had a 42 triple D and that awful brat sales girl just turned her nose up at me and said “we don’t carry sizes that big”. I wanted to DIE. And when I turned to leave the store, my big belly and boobs knocked over a stupid skinny mannequin.

Grant: She was just jealous of your giant boobs. But NO. Let’s not go there. They are bad, bad people at Victoria’s Secret.

He is saying these words but his body is steering us both toward the store. We laugh and I tug him in a different direction.

Me: Now THIS looks promising! I like some of these outfits!

Grant patiently sits back down on a bench and I walk into the nice, dignified quiet store and start looking through what I think are wonderful styles. FINALLY! I have about ten items in my arms to try on when I look up and around me and realize that the only people in the store are women in their 70s and 80s. I’m not kidding. There is NO ONE under the age of 70 in the store. Granted they were all very lovely and well dressed women but the moo-moos have been bad enough on my ego. Not only am I not a size 20 I am not even CLOSE to being eighty and so should MAYBE not dress this way. I put the clothes back on the rack, quietly exit the store and sit down on the bench next to Grant with a dramatic sigh.

Me: I don’t fit ANYWHERE. I don’t know who I AM anymore. I belong NOWHERE. God I hate shopping.

Grant: Then why in God’s name are we here? We should be drinking our second breakfast.

Me: Yes! Let’s get the hell out of here.

We walk through Kohl’s on our way to the car and I am practically knocked over in shock by the most perfect, cutest little dress I have ever seen and it is only $29.00! I grab a size large and hold it up for Grant.

Me: Look!!!! Finally a dress as cute as my nightgowns. OMG I’m so buying this! Can I buy this?

Grant: Sure. But that IS a nightgown. Though I bet it would look great with your cute rattly boots!

I look around and realize we are in the pajama department

Me: Well who the fuck would put the pajama section right at the entrance of store. Everyone knows it’s supposed to be in the BACK of the store!  I’m so pissed! I was in love with this dress until I found out it was a nighty. The world is a cruel place.

Grant: Yes it is. I have yet to find the perfect Seahawks hat so I feel your pain. Let’s go drown our sorrows.

Though I DO actually find some new pants before we leave the mall. I buy two different sizes of the same style: one sort of snug and one sort of loose. Because I just don’t know which direction I am gonna go right now in terms of butt size. And GOD only knows when I will go shopping again.

But then we go to Jack and Dan’s for a beer. We hunker up to the bar and I see this brick with the initials G H S engraved in it.

Me: OMG! It’s our initials! It’s a sign that we ARE winning! And that we are FINALLY in the right place!

And we clink our drinks to further proof that we are winning. Even though we both know the initials stand for Gonzaga High School, the private high school four of our six kids have attended so far.

We are both just happy to still be playing the game.



Twenty Seven Things I am Thankful For Today

I am writing this before I have a mimosa (or two) otherwise it will be 100 things I am thankful for which means I will be droning on and on about how happy I am and no one likes to read stuff that is TOO happy and thankful. It sounds fake. I think twenty seven is enough things to be thankful for. Besides pretty soon I have to peel potatoes. I can’t be writing all day long

1) Good son Duncan took the little boys to his house last night for a sleep over. Wow. HIS house. Consequently I was able to make 10 pies early this morning without once saying “Stop talking to me I am counting cups of flour! Oh well shit! THAT pie is RUINED. Why does everyone always have to TALK?!” I was supposed to bake them last night but I got involved in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The original, not the creepy Johnny Depp version. (Sorry Johnny. I still love you.)

2) Its fifty five degrees outside. Or something like that. Practically balmy. So we have the doors open and you can hardly smell the turtle tank with all that fresh air mixed with pumpkin pie smell and a lit candle.

3) I am thankful that Daniel still likes tie-dying things, making snow cones and that he still hugs me even though he is 13.

4) Everyone is now home so Maria has stopped following me around saying she is bored. I am thankful that is over. She was practically climbing the walls without someone to argue with. I am pretty much too chipper to argue with her today.

5) Twenty seven is a lot of things to be thankful for. Mimosas. I am thankful that soon there will be mimosas.

6) I am thankful that every time I make the bed I notice the indentation on Grant’s pillow from where his head was and that I say: “God please watch over him so he will make a new indentation tonight” before I fluff it out. I never fluff it when he is travelling.

7) I am thankful for my job: my leaders, my peers, my customers: they are my people. This is an amazing blessing. Especially since I work a lot of hours. It might as well be with people I dig.

8) Football. Three games today.

9) Four days off from work. (Despite number seven, it’s important to take time off.)

10) My favorite Steelers shirt which I intend to wear for the next four days. Because it’s holiday. Also for luck against the Saints. So I am thankful for luck and less laundry.

11) Number ten counts as two. That’s not cheating.

12) Maria just told me that you can actually die from drinking too much water: that your cells would eventually burst. I am thankful I have not done that to myself at this point in my life.

13) I am thankful that the argument is over about whether or not they are going to make a fourth Hobbit movie or if the third one coming up in December will be the last one. I mostly don’t care. I would rather listen to arguments about which is better: Grant’s stuffing WITH or WITHOUT celery.

14) I am thankful Grant put celery in the stuffing.

15) I am thankful that the beer pong tournament happening in our breezeway with our kids isn’t with actual beer. That would be wrong.

16) I am thankful that I did not get a call from Mitchel’s teacher regarding the lovely fall leaf collage he did in school. The sun up in the corner is very pretty but the leaf guy at the bottom right corner “drowning” is a little worrisome.

17) I am really thankful for the ruby slippers we bought Maria for Christmas last year. It’s important that she has something I am jealous of. It’s weird that she won’t let me wear them though.

18) I am thankful that Duncan’s friend (and ours) Connor is here for Thanksgiving. And I mostly like it when he calls me mom. Even though, just to clarify, I am not his mom. I think taking credit for six kids is enough

19) I am thankful for my headphones. I would never get any writing done without them.

20) I am thankful for my new washer and dryer. Still. After three months. I really, really appreciate being able to wash and dry a load of laundry in an hour instead of three

21) I am thankful and proud that Dillin has a good job and that HE is happy he has a job even though it’s not his dream job. He leaves the house to go to work with great optimism. I promise you Dillin: the dream job will come. Keep on keeping my love.

22) I am thankful the potatoes are all peeled. I had to take a break from this post. Being thankful is kind of exhausting. So is peeling potatoes. But NOW I have a mimosa in my hand. I promise to NOT be thankful more than 27 times

23) I am thankful for David’s wicked funny sense of humor. Except when he crop dusted me at the library yesterday: that was crossing a line. Farting in the library is sacrilegious. Just sayin.

24) I am always, always thankful for hot water. There is never a time that I am not thankful for a hot shower or bath. Except when there is not hot water. Which happens a lot in my house. And that f’ing pisses me off. BUT at least there is water. It not being hot is a first world problem that I try to not dwell on. Too much.

25) I am thankful that I quite possibly could finally be at a point in my life where the intricate growing Lego village along the wall of my living room makes me grin instead of scowl at when I am vacuuming and can’t get along the baseboard. Because of the village. I mostly realize now that Lego villages add an element of elegance and class to any décor.

26) I am thankful for Maggie, Dillin’s girlfriend whom I think of as another daughter who simply doesn’t live with us, mostly.

27) I am so very thankful, so very, for my friends and family without whom I would not be all the way okay. At all. My heart swells with love for you all.

Happy Thanksgiving!