Teach Them to Make Coffee

The sky might actually be falling. 

Whatever. 

I think we can handle it. At least most of us. 

I’m not gonna lie, I was more perplexed than worried when our governor announced on Friday the 13th that all bars, restaurants and saloons in Washington would be closed for at least two weeks. I was mostly just obsessing on the use of the word ‘saloon’. I mean who uses that word anymore? But I figured Governor Jay used the word saloon because he thought maybe using just the word ‘bar’ would not be clear enough to get the point across: NO PUBLIC DRINKING IS ALLOWED ANYMORE in ANY PLACE except alone in your closet, hiding from the man-boys who might find your booze stash and either judge you or sneak some. Plus, there are usually spittoons in saloons and that would DEFINITELY spread the virus fast, in a super gross way. I totally concurred with GJ’s decision.

But then my husband told me to either get my glasses on or learn to read because the word was SALON not SALOON.

Dear Sweet Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the very tired angels: Armageddon has come for us all and she has very bad hair.

But really? I have been wanting to grow my hair longer anyway. Besides, on Monday the 23rd, G.J. announced that in 48 hours all non-essential businesses must shut down and that in order to flatten the curve, people would be required to stay in their homes for at least two weeks, save for essential getting out reasons, like drive through coffee orders (because apparently no one knows how to make coffee at home anymore). So the only people who will be seeing me and my bad hair are four of my five sons who probably don’t notice that I even HAVE hair, my husband, whom I quit trying to look good for years ago, and my daughter on Facetime who for SURE cares about how good or bad my hair looks but soon won’t be able to see me through her own overgrown bangs.

Really, I’m not stressing about bad hair, no public drinking or eating, a tanked 401k (we don’t even HAVE a 401K so why would I worry about that?) or whether or not our kids will fall behind in school. The boys are disciplined enough to do the minimum requirements via online schooling and I have been stepping in every now and then to help them stay focused. For instance I requested that Mitchel shout into his video game headphones in SPANISH ONLY this week, so that we can ALL learn how to swear in Spanish, which somehow seems so much more polite. My plan for next week is that everyone needs to be up and at ‘em by at least 11 am. Mainly so that while I’m uber busy obsessing over the latest news and statistics from the CDC and the WHO (which according to my daughter is NOT a band, who knew?) someone can bring me coffee. Coffee that they learned to make at HOME. That right there is about as good of a mother as I’m going to be until Armageddon gets her bangs cut.

Stay safely sane and make the coffee at home my beautiful friends.