We’re Winning!!!

We keep getting these notices in the mail from our utility company called a “Home Energy Report”. Every time I open it I think “oh crap, did I forget to pay our bill again? And then when I see that it’s not pink I toss it in the Avista file with relief. But this last month I actually LOOKED at a few of these reports and I have GREAT NEWS:


Yep! Out of 100 people in our neighborhood, we rank number 92! Only EIGHT people in the hood are better at wasting energy than we are. Pretty awesome yes?


What’s funny is: we don’t have air conditioning; we don’t heat our pool in the summer (we need it cold on account of no AC); we keep our thermostat set at 62 degrees in the winter except when someone bonks their head on it or a football hits it. Then we get to pretend we are in Florida for a minute until the household hears me scream “Oh my Lord I’m having another hot flash! EVERYBODY BACK OFF! Give an old lady some f’ing AIR!” I personally would have it at 58 but the other people in the house start turning a light tint of blue by around December so we have agreed on 62. Except when guests come. Then we crank it to 63. It’s the polite thing to do.

So really, we might be cheating a little. I should probably call them and tell them we don’t deserve such kudos.

BUT we do have four broken windows. That’s for sure inefficient. WINNING! Except the clear tape seems to be holding the wind and cold out pretty good.

On the back of the reports there are some personalized tips for energy saving and I thought we might take a dive in our rating when we bought a new energy efficient washer and dryer this summer but it turns out that when you have a washer and dryer that actually WORK you tend to burn up more power because you USE them instead of going to the laundry mat to hang out with the cool people on Saturday mornings. WINNING!

It says to recycle your second refrigerator for a $30 thank you. Are they trying to get our fourteen gallons of milk and some Coors light in this gig? I think this might be some kind of a scam. Should I report this?

And I happen to LIKE our inefficient television. No one is EVER going to steal it because it weighs 1400 pounds.

Curtains are a good idea. I know there are some energy efficient ones. But I can’t decide on what color to paint the walls. This has been a dilemma since I stripped off three layers of wallpaper three years ago. I simply can’t invest in curtains until I know what color my walls are going to be. Do not rush me people. Paint is an important decision! Besides curtains make me feel claustrophobic. And it’s fun to wave and blow kisses at the houses on ‘the hill’ a few miles away just in case they are looking at us with a telescope.

What’s also interesting is that our ranking has gotten “better” since Duncan moved out. We used to be only be 83 out of 100. This month Duncan moved out and we hit 92. But Grant and I came home the other day and discovered him in the shower so it could be he hasn’t all the way moved out just yet.I don’t have the heart to tell David he has to shower every other day again. Besides, maybe we should just go for it and try for 100th place. I suddenly feel like blow drying my hair for no reason and maybe leaving the turtle’s basking light on all night long. Party on Shelly!

I would like to know how many people actually LIVE in the other 99 households that have an average of 2889 square feet and have both electricity and natural gas service. If you figured the energy usage per person in each household, I wonder if we would still be winning?

I totally doubt it. But please don’t tell anyone. I’m pretty sure we’re getting a trophy soon.

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