Wait, WHAT?

If any of you see me tomorrow you will probably wonder why I have an eye patch on my right eye and am walking with a cane.

Actually I haven’t resorted to either of those things yet but by tomorrow morning I probably will need them because I can’t hear out of my left ear on account of the fact that there is pool water, hydrogen peroxide, olive oil and probably a four-pound blob of ear wax plugging it SHUT and rendering me quite disabled.

Wait, what did you say? Seriously you need to speak louder! I’m already training my children: “TALK IN MY RIGHT EAR SO I CAN HEAR YOU LITTLE ONE.”

It all started several weeks ago when I watched this Youtube video where this guy had a huge glob of ear wax taken from his ear with tweezers. I could not stop watching it and showed it to every single family member I could get to stand still long enough, rendering them speechless and gagging, each turning away from a FASCINATING three inch piece of yellowish brown wax being pulled out of this guy’s ear. “Why would you SHOW me this?” said every single one.

The video has been haunting me because I am positive that I have this very same situation going on. I have been to the doctor a few times this year for miscellaneous reasons and every time she felt it important to look into my ears (despite me NOT being there for any kind of ear affliction) and every single time she would say “Wow! You have got a TON of earwax in your left ear. Do you want me to take care of that for you?”

“Umm. NO.” I said but was thinking “I prefer my ears NOT to be touched thank you. You’re lucky just to be able to look inside them right now so back the F away. You’ve done enough damage sticking that thing in my ear. That will be all from you little Missy with the stethoscope.”

She said: “Okay fine, but eventually it will start to bug you. You can drop a few drops of hydrogen peroxide in it and that should help loosen up and drain the wax. But let me know.”

Enter last night, me tipsy from the downtown fireworks where I was inspired to do ART and make stuff and maybe become a pyromaniac from the influence of all the brilliant sky fire exploding in the air with bright and burning color combinations that always make me gasp gasp gasp and CHEER and giggle with LOVE for my life and the happiness of the fourth of Julyness of things.

Plus I had had a couple of yummy dirty martinis with big fat green olives earlier in the evening.

All of which compelled me to play the game “TEE” with the boys in the pool when we got home. Everyone stands outside the pool while one person dives in and strategically lets go of a golf tee and then gets OUT of the water FAST before someone on the outside of the pool spots the tee and yells TEE!!!! Then everyone gets to dive in and try to grab the TEE which can be a little mayhemish (and dangerous) with boys but I DID get the TEE once with some cheating.

But then I had to be the one dive in and let go of the TEE.

Underwater.

Me on the diving board with the TEE: “So you know, this dive comes with great sacrifice as I will surely get water in my ears as I do every time I go underwater, which is WHY I rarely get my hair wet. It has nothing to do with vanity like you have all claimed to be the reason for my dry, very nice looking hair. It has really been about good ear care all these years.”

“JUST JUMP! Let go of the TEE! We are WAITING” yelled all the impatient giggle boys at once. Maria chose to be a mere spectator. She was angry because her cool sunglasses had broken during the peak of the downtown festivities rendering her not as perfectly sassy as before they were broken. Plus she did not want to mess up her pretty hair. Even though it was midnight and dark. I totally get all that. But I jumped in ANYWAY. It was the joy of the sky colors and martinis all mixed up with patriotism and the desire for some more fun before the day was over that made me okay with sacrificing good ear health.

But sure enough the next day I woke up and there was water in my left ear which made me feel thick in the head (more so than usual) and wobbly. And I really had some thinking things to do. Like writing a blog post and turning my work expense report in and still have time to lay in the sun so that it would at least look a little bit like I had been on vacation for a few days.

So I tried cleaning my ear with a q-tip and GOOD GAWD the earwax in my left ear… it was disgusting and fascinating. And I decided that it had come time to put some hydrogen peroxide in there to try and get out the four pound piece of wax that I was SURE was the cause of lot of issues that I have been having the last few weeks. Weight gain, grumpiness, sore knees, a popped hip, exhaustion, unclear thinking and poor eyesight were all byproducts of my ear wax tumor. MY DOCTOR WAS RIGHT.

But then I realized things had not been all that bad before because the hydrogen peroxide COMPLETELY plugged my ear up. I went stumbling outside where everyone was relaxing in and around the pool. “My GAWD everyone!” I shouted. “I am DEAF in my left ear!” Maria, who is usually sympathetic to most of my dramatic ailments suggested I put an eye patch on my right eye to try and balance things out.

“WAIT WHAT? Talk louder I can’t hear you! How on earth would smacking my right thigh help things? You are NOT helping me.”

Dillin came home from work and asked me how my day was. “What was that little sonny? I can’t hear you. Speak in my right ear will you?” My six foot two son suggested loudly that I jump up and down on the diving board and I actually DID this but only managed to pee myself a little bit while everyone looked on laughing. Which made me pee myself more. But my ear remained plugged.

Maggie, Dillin’s girlfriend came over. New blood to tell of my horrible new disability. She suggested that I tap my temple and my jaw until my ear unplugged. So now my jaw and my temple kind of hurt. But my ear is still plugged.

I googled plugged up ears while shaking my head like our dog Duke does. He has chronic ear infections and I’m the dog ear cleaner in the family. I suddenly wished I was a dog. I can get a whole finger in Duke’s ear canals. He might hide from me when I get out the gauze and ear cleaner but deep down he loves me when I get all that gawdawful ear wax out.

Red cider vinegar. Nope don’t have that. I drank it all when I read that it cleaned out bad bacteria from your colon and other places in your body. I hate bad bacteria. Though I’m not sure what it actually does to you.

Plug your nose and mouth and blow at the same time. DUH. Tried that.

Lay on the ear that is plugged until it drains. DOUBLE DUH. Tried that.

Do not use very much hydrogen peroxide as it can damage your ear drum. Crap.

Olive oil. Excellent!

So now I have all that shit in my ear and there is no end to this one sided deafness. And my ear drum is probably damaged forever.

But I am looking on the bright side:

1. Things won’t seem so loud around hear (I mean here) anymore.
2. If I walk with a cane it will help with the equilibrium issues I now have, plus I have an excuse for not working out.
3. Maybe I will be able to get a special parking permit so I won’t have such terrible issues with downtown parking during work hours and then maybe that damn parking meter guy who has been following me around (stalking me) will feel super bad for giving me three parking tickets in one day a few months ago.
4. I will soon learn some sign language and braille (needed because of the eye patch) so I will be highly marketable should I choose to switch gears in my career.
5. The eye patch will be totally bad ass.

Wait WHAT did you say?

I’m being anti-climactic?

Super fantastic?

OH….overly DRAMATIC.

What ever.