Red Lights

One of the really great things about bluetooth being a common thing in cars now is that I get to be myself without worrying about other drivers and/or pedestrians thinking I’m bonkers. It’s normal now to see people moving their lips in conversation when there are no passengers in the car. Which is comforting, even though I know that 95% of the people I pass while driving are in their own little world and don’t even notice the fact that I am having some pretty intricate conversations. With Myself. Outloud. While driving in my car. Alone. Though I really shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks about me. It’s bad enough what I think about myself. Here is a small glimpse of the other day’s conversation while driving downtown Spokane in between my sales calls, mostly at red lights: 

Me: Wow. She should maybe wear a different style of shorts. She’s a United States Postal Service Worker. Where is her pride? 

Me to Me: You have looked way worse in shorts so you should probably shut up. 

Me: That’s so rude. I have never once worn shorts with tights.

Me to Me: It’s cold out. Look at the temperature: 42 degrees! 

Me: My point exactly! Why isn’t she wearing a different style of shorts? Like PANTS. 

Me to Me: (Distracted from the shorts topic) Look out for the f’ing scooter rider! Dear Jesus he’s coming at you! 

Me: I SEE him. He is clearly NOT following the rules of WHEELED VEHICLES

Me to Me: Still you don’t want to hit him. That would make you late for your next sales call. 

Me: (Jamming on the breaks and NOT crashing into the motorized scooter person who is J-Riding) I don’t understand why they don’t wear helmets. Especially when they ride like kamikazes. I can’t wait for winter so these damn lime scooters get benched. (Screams) MORON!!!!

Me to Me: PREACH SISTER! 

Me: I wonder what David is going to do after high school. He is so talented. He could probably do anything he sets his mind to. 

Me to me: Why are you getting so far ahead?  He’s just a junior. 

Me: I’m gonna blink my eyes and graduation will be here. 

Me to Me: Maybe he’ll be a plumber. Our bathrooms all need serious plumbing. The house is seriously going to hell. 

Me: Oh LORD! 

Me to Me: WHAT???

Me: I forgot to make the mortgage payment, buy Mitchel’s book for English and get Dan’s WSU account unfrozen so he can register for next semester before I left the house today. 

Me to Me: I feel like I would have better understood The Odyssey if it had been a graphic novel when I was in high school. Mitchel is so lucky. 

Me: (At a red light.) Well. Thank God for Amazon Prime. The book will be here tomorrow. Boom! 

Me to Me: (Next red light) Mortgage Payment PAID! Boom! Technology is the BOMB. 

Me: I Hate FAFSA/LOANS/College Shit. Dealing with that is just not something I can accomplish at a red light. 

Me to Me: Look at that guy! High as a kite and dancing to music in his head. What do you think he’s listening to? 

Me: Let’s see…maybe some Bob Marley? 

Me to Me: He can’t be older than 20. Do you even think he knows who Bob Marley is? 

Me: Maybe some Post Malone. 

Me to Me and Me:  (Simultaneously) Dang. I miss Dan.

Me: “Car: Play some Post Malone”

Me to Me: That’s not how you do it. You have to push the button first. Then ask. And don’t say CAR. Dork. 

Me: Or at the next red light I can find it on my playlist. WITH MY FINGERS. I’m handy that way. 

Me to Me: You’re going to have to figure out this new car eventually. 

Me: Wait. OMG! Ingrid Michaelson is on! Awww. It’s “Maybe”. I really miss Maria. She’s eventually gonna come back. In the future. 

Me to Me: Why aren’t you drinking enough water. I thought that was one of the seven daily things you committed to in 2019. What is wrong with you that you can’t even drink WATER? That’s the easiest thing on the list. 

Me: All I said was that I miss Maria and Dan. Why you gotta just PICK PICK PICK? 

Me to Me: I was trying to change the subject. The next sales call is in two blocks. No sense being all weepy. Not that you could MAKE a tear right now on account of not being hydrated. 

And this is how it goes. On and on.  All day. Everyday. My inside voice talking to my outside voice. And getting stuff done at red lights.