All Day Long…I Was GOING to Have Good Luck

New Year’s Day I went to the grocery store without my glasses which was very unsettling. It has gotten to the point where I can’t see two feet past my nose without them so it took me twice the time to find what I needed even though I go to our neighborhood grocery store four times a week at minimum.  (I could actually buy a brand new car with the amount of money we spend there in a year.) Everything just looked different. People waved to me but I didn’t recognize them. I waved back anyway. But then I wondered if they were actually waving at me and started to feel not like myself and wondered if this is what the beginning stages of crazy feels like.

I was there because all the kids pitched a fit when we broke tradition on Christmas. We always have oyster dip and what we call “Pam Dip” which is a dip our friend Pam introduced us to years ago. But this year we made something new in place of the oyster dip: a zesty mango tequila coconut almond cream cheese ball which was like crack on crackers for me but frowned upon by a few coconut haters and completely scoffed at by the one who refuses to try anything new. My children cling stubbornly to traditions. We pretty much talked to death this unacceptable and cruel switch all the way to New Year’s Day which was what briefly forced me out of my pjs and a 1000 piece puzzle coma on day eight of my staycation. Because you need oysters for oyster dip.

It’s important to make occasional sacrifices for your people.

I managed to leave the store intact with the smoked oysters and a half rack of India Pale Ale just in case I wanted to continue to build my beer belly just a little bigger to make it more proportionate to my butt. It’s all about balance people. But clearly by the fall I took (on account of the ice) just as I got to my car, things were NOT in proportion. Luckily I landed smack down on my bottom, the beer clutched tightly to my chest like a cherished baby, so there were no fatalities, save for my ego. Butts like mine don’t bruise.

Anyhow, I would have been really mad or embarrassed except there, right next to me was a PENNY and I grinned and put it in my pocket. It was karma that I should fall because I would have NEVER seen this lucky penny if I hadn’t been so close to the ground. All day long now I would have good luck. A brilliant way to start the New Year!

BUT when I got home and told everyone about this exciting event, everyone was very happy for me (or at least they pretended to be) until Dillin asked me if it was heads up or tails up.

“Whatever to you mean? It was a penny. It’s good luck!”

“It’s only good luck if it’s heads up. Everyone knows that. If it’s tails you’re supposed to flip it over to heads and leave it for someone else to pick up and have good luck.”

Maggie, his girlfriend, nodded her head solemnly in agreement.

I tried to think hard whether it was heads or tails and I just felt sick. I mean really SICK. Which was silly since pennies are actually HEADS (Abe Lincoln) or SHIELDS (which symbolize President Lincoln’s preservation of the United States as a single country). I actually just now looked that up. There is much more information about the penny that you may all find quite fascinating.

And I would tell you more about the traits of the penny but I am in a CRISIS people! You will have to look it up yourself.

Though there are some articles on the internet that say the new penny has pretty much TORN THIS NATION APART. Who knew?

But back to me. You see, I may have unknowingly put bad luck upon myself for YEARS. This is just terrible news.

Even worse, I have denied OTHER people good luck by not being a good person and flipping pennies over and altruistically walking away. Instead I just greedily grabbed for myself what I thought to be good luck without concern for proper good luck etiquette!

So it’s clear to me that I need to make amends in 2015 and I have formulated a plan. Not only am I going to be a “tails” penny flipper I’m going to GIVE any lucky Abe-Face-Up pennies I pick up to people whom I think might need some all-day luck. So if any of you should get a penny in the mail, or if I hand one to you, you will know how much I care about you.

I am going to be the good luck penny fairy.

Except the ones I find in the laundry. I’m keeping those.