Every year my kids ask me if we can put the Christmas tree up on the day after Thanksgiving. A lot of people do that but I always feel like we should celebrate Thanksgiving all the way through the four days off before we start kissing under the mistletoe and whatnot.
So I always say no and put it off until mid-December. It’s just something I have to gear up for. Namely because I have to rearrange the furniture which leads to a conniption fit on my part because of all the socks, pet hair, pencils, candy wrappers, etc. that are discovered under the couches. One year I found a chicken bone.
I came up with an idea. I know. Brace yourselves.
And I can only say this now that we no longer have toddlers in the house to break the ornaments or knock down our 25 year old fake tree. It turns out that Mitchel is nine now and no longer a toddler. Who knew?
What IF we kept the tree up all year long and just changed the decorations to celebrate whatever holiday was most prominent that month? Then I wouldn’t have to know ever again what is under the couches.
In January we can hang cans of Slim Fast and Nicorette gum and maybe our passes to the gym (that we currently can’t find.) Plus champagne under the tree. To celebrate all the resolutions we will have broken by February. Oh plus a few pictures of Grant because it’s his birthday month.
February there would be hanging hearts of course. Lots of them. Some of them would be broken, to signify past present and future love gone bad. Plus a chain of Ben and Jerry’s single servings for heart healing. And a couple of hams to prepare ourselves for resisting meat on Fridays during Lent.
Ugly little leprechauns and mini bottles of Irish whiskey would be hung on the tree in March. And snakes. Not live ones. That would be a bit much. St Patrick is known, among many things, for driving all the snakes out of Ireland. He did this before he was named a saint, which happens after you’re dead. Not YOU, the saint. I mean you COULD be a future saint but you are certainly not dead if you’re reading this. At least I don’t think you are. I think both Duncan and Mitchel would be fine sharing their birthday tree with leprechauns, Irish whiskey and snakes.
April contains the second BEST holiday of the year next to Thanksgiving: April Fool’s Day. Oh no wait. It’s Easter month too. Rats. Well. We can string five year old hardened peeps and hang plastic eggs filled with real scrambled eggs like my mom did one year for our (adult) annual combat Easter egg hunt. (One lucky egg had money in it.) We would have to put a very beautiful cross on top of the tree too. That would actually be cool and it would overpower all the irreverence.
In May there would pictures of me of course on account of Mother’s Day. But only ones where I look skinny and I am not making a weird face (why do I do that?). No post-baby pics. There HAS to be a few of those SOMEWHERE. And maybe some garland made from twenty dollar bills: fun mom money. Oh and bottles of wine and cheese under the tree: GOOD cheese. The wine can be cheap. I would probably have to share some of the fun mom money and cheese with Dillin because it’s his birthday month. But not the wine.
Wow. June is my birthday month! But it’s also Maria’s. It will be easy though: we can leave the pictures of me up another month and add a few of Maria. And presents under the tree for both of us. But I will probably have more presents. CRUD: there is also Father’s Day. I hope the tree will be big enough for this month. We will have to hang a few knives, guns and golf balls on the tree as well.
July will have flags of course. And flip flops, which were the only thing I could wear when I was pregnant with Dan (whose birthday is in July) because my feet were so fat my shoes didn’t fit. Plus flip flops signify summer and freedom. Oh. An flags do too. I would put sparklers on the tree but that idea could possibly go down in flames.
Speaking of burning, in August we will hang sunglasses and bottles of sunscreen, to signify the month we are all finally conditioned to put on sunscreen. This month is also when the kids finally remember to leave the back door OPEN for air circulation. It will at this point in they year take until mid-December for them to start remembering to shut it again. But I can’t hang a door from the tree.
In September we should hang foot balls and athletic cups on the tree along with gas cards to help with the five practices a week for three boys in three different locations but of course at the same times. I am not actually complaining here. There was one year when we had seven games to watch in a week so you can probably imagine the number of practices. I have kind of blocked much of that year from my memory. It’s practically a holiday with only three in sports now and I no longer feel (as much) need to carry a purse flask.
By October there will already be plenty of cobwebs on the tree. Add a couple of fake bloody fingers, maybe a few arms and feet (FAKE ones, jeez), some deer horns (it’s hunting season too) and I think maybe one of those paper chains the kids make to count off the number of days until Christmas. Only this will be to count the number of days left of school football. It will be orange and black. To keep with the Halloween spirit. The carved pumpkins would look nice under the tree as well. Much more festive than the ‘smashed on the street’ look.
November’s tree gets all the wishbones that we have not wished on yet from the year past. (We eat a lot of bird.) We could have a wish day, maybe on the last day of November. Also I think we should wrap up all the frozen turkey and chicken carcasses in pretty Thanksgiving wrapping paper and put them under the tree. When they are defrosted we can have a ceremonial broth making day. I am a carcass hoarder. I know it’s weird. But it’s for soup. To someday make. But I will admit, our third freezer is getting a little creepy. Grant actually snuck this year’s turkey carcass to the garbage when I wasn’t looking. I’m trying not to harbor resentment. I keep telling him I will seek help but haven’t yet. The closest ‘meeting’ I can find is this group called “smart people who are prepared to feed their family if there should be some kind of apocalypse”.
I will be then so glad in December that the tree is already up that I will be much more joyful and calm come time to battle with the not working tangled up lights. I can already feel the peaceful Zen filled decorating party. There will also have to be a couple pictures of David. Not that he is competing at all with Jesus for birthday kudos, he would never do that. His is AFTER Jesus’s birthday. We could maybe hang the Star of David somewhere on the tree. Even though we are not Jewish. Jesus was though. So I don’t think it would be blasphemous.
I bet Jesus would be fine with sharing His tree. He was always up for a good celebration. At any time of the year.